I’ve talked about the Change Curve (for more years than I would care to mention) when supporting managers through change management programmes and, let’s be honest, in the Oil and Gas sector, there have been plenty of those! Until recently though, I don’t think I had ever fully appreciated the stages of the curve and what an individual goes through before they come out the other end.
The Kubler-Ross Change Curve is based on a model created in the 1960s by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a psychiatrist who worked with the terminally ill. In her book ‘Death and Dying’, she explained the five stages that terminally ill patients experience: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Although the model has been adapted over the years, it is still very relevant today and frequently used to help people understand their reactions to major change or upheaval in their lives.
Earlier in my career, I loved change. I took it in my stride, I relished learning something new and doing things in a different way – as it stopped me getting bored! I couldn’t really appreciate why other people would resist change or actively fight it; it was going to happen anyway so why not embrace it?
However, my recent experience of the Change Curve has been through bereavement, as I sadly lost both my parents at the start of 2021, just 33 days apart. I am quite self-aware and can generally detect when things are getting to me or bothering me, but I’d never fully recognised the stages of the Change Curve before.
The denial stage, I think, is when you are still in shock. Although neither death was totally unexpected, it was still hard to get my head around, especially losing them both so quickly. It was a real body blow. It felt like a physical pain and I could only process my own grief, so didn’t comprehend those around me also grieving, such as my husband, son or daughter. Realising this now makes me feel the grief all over again. My way of coping was to go into ‘Mrs Fix-it’ mode and do all the practical things that need to be done when a death happens: notifying friends, family and official parties such as banks, pensions, life insurance, etc. It helped to keep my emotions in check.
Anger soon took over and I was angry at everything and everyone! The careless driver who pulled out in front of me, people in the news, the supermarket employee who said there was no skimmed milk, the dog owner who couldn’t control their dog, the list was endless. I was never angry with my husband, Paul, as he was my rock, but I couldn’t share with him how I was feeling either. I knew he felt helpless and wanted to help me, but I didn’t know how to let him. I can now understand why families often fall out by the time the funeral comes around: the eulogy is wrong, someone is not helping to clear out the house, or they are arguing over a specific ornament – all because they are in the depths of the anger stage.
The bargaining stage for me manifested itself as sorrow: I was incredibly sad all the time. I would cry at inopportune moments, in meetings with work colleagues, driving my car, in the supermarket, yet when I wanted to sob uncontrollably and ‘let it all out’, I couldn’t. It was then that I started writing about my feelings. When I woke in the middle of the night and couldn’t sleep, I would write in my journal. I found it very cathartic. This was a turning point for me, as I was finally coming to terms with my loss and the tears flowed a lot – when I listened to certain songs, watched something sad on TV, or took time to be still with my thoughts and memories.
I wasn’t ready for the depression stage. I am an eternal optimist and having negative, pessimistic thoughts is just not part of my make-up, yet I found it really difficult to see the good in anything. I couldn’t be bothered with work, silly things annoyed me, and I wanted to wallow in self-pity. However, I feared that if I let myself do that, then I wouldn’t be able to pull myself back out. They say everyone grieves differently. Was I denying my grief? Was I shutting it out, so I didn’t have to deal with it? I really didn’t know, but the fact that I realised I was going through the depression stage helped me to cope, because I recognised it as a phase.
The acceptance stage kind of crept up on me. I realised that I was enjoying work again and was looking forward to new business with clients I had been speaking to before my parents’ deaths.
I know there are millions of people going through this same process. The global COVID-19 pandemic we are experiencing has seen hundreds of thousands die, and often their loved ones were not able to be with them when they passed away. Being in lockdown has denied us our basic human right of grieving together, being able to hug and comfort each other, and celebrating the lives of our loved ones at funerals where long-lost family and friends can catch up and reminisce about past times and happy memories. It’s been hard on everyone. Remember too, there is no timeline for grief, only a degree of acceptance.
So, if you know someone who is going through a change in their life, not just bereavement, but divorce or separation, a new job, moving house, any kind of significant change, spare a thought for the inner turmoil they may be experiencing and be kind to them. Ask them “Are you ok?” Really listen to their response. Be a shoulder to lean on.
Change is part of life, and having down times actually helps us really appreciate the good times.
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